hhhhmmmmfffffffffff

i get really frustrated at my lack of knowledge, my inability to express myself, to articulate what i’m feeling and thinking, especially when it’s in response to a piece of poetry or prose; a painting; a film; implications of current affairs, i could go on. sometimes i feel like i just don’t get it, and then when i do, i can’t articulate what i want to express adequately.

is it lack of basic knowledge ... ?
is it a sign of a stressed out brain ... ?
is it a lack of vocabulary ... ?
is it a lack of adequate thinking and processing time ... ?

or am i just a buffoooooon (or even a baboooooon!)

perhaps I need to focus my attention rather than maniacally trying to do everything all at once?! it's just that there's always so much i want to see to do to learn to experience.

so ...

perfume

is a bag of ar#e.

no, really, it is.

i was so looking forward to seeing this film, i really wanted to like it. but ohmigod what a load of pretentious, up it's own ar#e pile of, well ... you know.

oh i tried so hard to like it, i wanted to be swept along with the passion, the obsession, to care about the characters, to have any kind of emotional response to it apart from the sides of my stomach curling but within the first few minutes i was trying to surpress laugh-out-load belly laughter.

mid-way through i had the blessed relief of falling asleep for a little while but didn't really miss much (enough). m appeared to be enjoying the film so i managed to contain my laughter so as not to spoil it for him.

however, i think the thing that annoys me most is that is has now affected my love, my joy of my olfactory organs. i love to sniff things.

things i like to sniff

m's pillow
the inside pages of a book, right in at the spine
m's hat
clean washing as it comes out of the washing machine
m after he has been exercising
my skin after a day in the sunshine
newly ironed clothes
the air
jars that i've just opened (can be risky if it's a jar of spices, cue a lot of sneezing!)
us after we've been outside all day in the forest and we smell of fresh air
food that i'm cooking, i never taste food that i cook, i smell it after i've added each ingredient (seems to work!)

and i'll leave the list there as i'm now starting to sound a little weird but you get the picture.

so, after watching perfume, every time m catches me sniffing something he commences a theatrical display of sniffing in a 'perfume' stylie which disturbs my moment!

i shan't be put off, i shall continue to sniff.

you know it's that time of the month ...

... when i cry at 'shallow hal'

yes, really, i did.

nearly the end of january ... really ???

so, where has the time gone?! i'm sure i went to bed one night in november and woke up at the end of january!

i spotted our first snowdrop yesterday. a lovely perfect little white beaded harbinger of spring.

spring is coming!

and the mornings are a little lighter now - when we don't have the ominpresent rain and low cloud! last night i even managed to drive home in the dusk, rather than pitch black which was a pleasant change.

oh i can't wait for the longer days

henrik nordbrandt

thanks to swiss for bringing this wonderful poet and beautiful poem to my attention ...


you resting in me

like a secret
sealed-up water lily
you rise through the dream
my dream
while i sink down into yours
as if we were scales
endlessly shifting balance
the heavier
always in the other’s dream.

i rest in you
like dark waters
in your mouth, drinking of your dream
like a figure of stone
farthest down in the dream
you bear me, your face
bends over me, turns to stone
over mine –
as a light increasing in strength
dissolves, so i rise again
so you sink down again into the dream
my dream
for the roles are now reversed
and i am your mother
you my child

only midway
when we are equally heavy, in half-sleep
when we are weightless
do the dream mingle.
there you are my lover
and my beloved. there
we are born

as we brush lightly.

nostalgic felt

is what i shall be creating tomorrow!!!

lovely m has signed me up for a 'felt and nostalgia' workshop, a whole six hours of felting and being surrounded by similarly minded folk who don't look at you like you have two heads when trying to explain what a felt workshop is and why it's such great fun ... aaaahhh bliss :)

it's like a hug for my soul.

(no, really it is).

november is national novel writing month

or nanowrimo to give it it's more manageable if less pronounceable title!

so, it's a great idea, you log on to the above site and in the thirty days of november you write 50,000 words, or 1667 words per day, make lots of online buddies for support of the moral variety and use the forum to meet up with fellow nanowrimo-ers from your area.

given that i have a fascination for words and language, and used to write a bit when i was at school and am inspired by living with the most talented writer, i thought this would be a great opportunity to put pen to paper.

ironic then, that not only am i waaaaaaaaaaaay behind on my word count due to the word / thought vaccuum that is now orbiting me, i have also found myself unable even to write a few words each week on my blog.

hhhhmmmm, not quite what i was hoping for.

back to the novelling ...